Today I found out that my mother is leaving. She didn't even have the balls to say it to my face. I had to hear it from my sister.
Some may say that it's about time she backed out of me and my sister's lives and I should be grateful for her doing as much as she did.
I don't care. I feel so abandoned. For the longest time she has purposely sheltered me and gave me everything that I could have possibly needed so I wouldn't have to worry.
But that wasn't what I wanted.
I wanted to get a job and work for everything I got and I wanted to do things on my own so that I couldn't blame anybody but myself for failing.
I wanted to be able to take care of myself and be prepared for when she left.
Now I feel shitty for believing anything she's said for the past four years. She's up and left us before and I should have known she would do it again. The only reason I moved to Colorado was her. We don't know anyone out here. I wanted to be closer to her and make up for the lost times. I'm so fucking stupid.
All my plans for the next two years are shot because I don't know how I'm going to get a job to pay for the $1200 rent other than to drop out of college. I don't have any job experience because when I tried to get one, my mom would tell me I couldn't while I was living with her and that I should focus on my education. Well my one semester of college isn't going to help pay bills now. All of the money I've saved for going to Japan is going to be spent on covering the rent for the next five months.
I feel pathetic because I'm finally going to be able to get a job and support myself but I'm losing the one parent I have in the process. I should be happy right? I can do what I want and not be bothered anymore. I guess I'll just have to suck it up and get out of my feeling with this one.
I've been looking for apartments closer to our campus and making a list of things we can do to cut down on costs for now. That also means cutting down on Gyaru/Osharee/Lolita related purchases. I can deal with that though. I've got enough stock to last a good year.
I'm just pissed that she pulls this now when I have six classes for the spring semester.
I'm going to go do my nails and hair to calm me down.
Love & Peace,
Rinny
